Those who have dealt with relationship desertion difficulties and wondered how to deal with abandonment issues are far from confident. They feel lost, unwanted, abandoned, unimportant, and powerless. Because you are abruptly cut off from a meaningful connection, abandonment causes a painful jolt to your emotional system. Therefore, trying to fill this emotional gap is a part of life after desertion.
Rejection triggers turn relationships into a minefield. In relationships, your fear of abandonment takes over and pushes your spouse away. You exhibit traits like sensitivity, clinginess, rigidity, manipulation, anxiety, and obsessiveness. You hate yourself more, and the more you require and overreact. Your need makes you feel humiliated. You grow more and more linked to your spouse to deal with your ongoing anxieties.
Dependency on others to control your emotions and self-image is known as emotional fusion. For example, I cannot tolerate your anger at me, as it indicates that I am awful and that you will leave me. You live defensively, responding to everything your spouse does because you depend on them for stability. In essence, you turn to your spouse to soothe you since life seems out of your control.
Ways To Deal With Abandonment Issues in Relationships
1. Make Your Emotional Duty Clear
Do you think your spouse would ease your fear when your abandonment phobia spirals out of control? You most likely have a strong need to be cared for if you experience abandonment difficulties in relationships. Even while this emotion is quite normal, it will warp your understanding of personal accountability.
You are compelled to seek a relationship as the solution to your issues because of the profound emotional void you have on the inside. As an answer to how to deal with abandonment issues, for instance, you assign someone else the duty of acting in a certain manner to reassure you. If that individual doesn’t execute flawlessly, you freak out. Your security is based on your partner’s assurance, who also serves as your worry reliever.
As a result, you become a complete emotional mess when your spouse is having a rough week. You have to accept full responsibility for your emotions if you want to cease this emotional response. Your anxieties will be triggered by others, but it is not their responsibility to improve your self-esteem. It is up to you to take care of your mental health.
Asking your spouse to accomplish something that is beyond their capabilities is equivalent to making them emotionally accountable for you. Rather than placing the blame for your concern on someone else, take complete responsibility for your responses.
2. Quit Obsessively Attending To The Demands Of Others At The Expense Of Your Own
Refocusing attention on yourself is one of the best tips to deal with abandonment issues. Yes, you must learn to look for yourself regularly! Many persons who have gone through the intense agony of being abandoned have become codependent or people-pleasers. The other individual comes first in both situations. Your needs are neglected while theirs are elevated.
You must regain control of your life and turn your attention back to yourself and your needs if you want to recover. Make sure you’re taking care of your fundamental requirements, which include eating a healthy diet, getting enough sleep, drinking enough water, exercising, and processing your feelings via writing or meditation.
If you’re scared of being abandoned, you’ll do everything to keep the relationship going; thus, these things usually wind up falling to the wayside first. So take that stroll, stop drinking, and prepare that meal for yourself. These things mount up.
They also assist you in realizing that you will always have yourself, even if your greatest nightmares come true. Make a list of your attachment style, love languages, wants, and values as well. Discover your true self and fall in love. In this manner, you will be able to identify and make investments in secure ties in the future, especially with yourself!
3. Correct Idealistic Expectations
Do you have a consumer mindset when it comes to relationships? Do you think your spouse should take care of all your needs? People who struggle with abandonment in relationships are unconsciously always trying to make up for the things they lost as children. People who have been harmed have irrational expectations because they believe they are due something.
The significant other is often held responsible for paying back the emotional debt from the past. They place that individual on a pedestal and hold on to them closely. Because they have what you “need,” the connection becomes compulsive.
Addiction to love and fear of abandonment are closely related. Addicts of love are always looking for that “fix.” People are used to feeling whole. Their relationship is the source of their happiness and contentment. Sadly, the “high” from the connection only masks the suffering for a short time, placing a great deal of strain on one person. No human person can ever fulfill all of your desires; thus, you will be let down.
You must alter the way your wants are satisfied if you want to escape this poisonous dependence and relationship desertion problems. If you accept complete responsibility for your happiness, how would that look? You must invest in yourself and deliberately design the life you want.
This mostly refers to pursuing the highest level of fulfillment in God, but it may also include activities like seeing a therapist, joining a small group, traveling, exercising, setting new objectives for your life, picking up a new skill, expanding your network of friends, or beginning a new job.
4. Locate And Cultivate Connections That Are Safe And Healthy
Safe connections are the next answer to how to deal with abandonment issues. People who dread abandonment have usually been subjected to severe trauma, abuse, neglect, and instability in their most intimate relationships at some point in their lives.
Finding and investing in individuals who respect, value, and support you is crucial if you’re an adult trying to recover. These connections show you that there are other options than being abandoned and that security and safety are attainable. “Dave, I don’t have any safe relationships like that in my life,” I know you’re thinking. And what do you know?
It is not unusual for it to occur. It’s OK. It’s very typical, even if you begin to feel comfortable in your connection with a coach or therapist (like me!). Another option is to start with a trustworthy family member or old acquaintance. Being able to communicate yourself to these individuals and be your whole, genuine self is the aim.
For someone who suffers from a fear of abandonment, this may be frightening, but when you let them support you and show you that you can be vulnerable without fear of rejection or rejection, you begin to see that not all relationships will end tragically or be crushed or betrayed. It is entirely up to you who you choose. However, you must begin creating safety someplace, with people who can support you in that manner.
5. Learn To Self-Validate
The majority of those who suffer from abandonment anxiety mostly depend on outside approval to boost their self-esteem. “I need constant reinforcement to verify that people love me so I can feel good about myself” is their guiding principle.
Because abandonment naturally destroys your sense of self-worth, it is quite tempting to turn to other people for your main source of approval. “You’re okay” is something your soul longs to hear. Accepting affirmation is very acceptable. The issue arises when you are unable to operate without it and need constant emotional resuscitation from others.
When your lover doesn’t agree with you or thinks poorly of you, do you lose it? When you get criticism, do you lose your temper? The truth is that we don’t always get the favorable comments we’re hoping for. Imagine your mood not being influenced by the words and actions of others. Don’t let other people decide how valuable you are. Instead of depending on other people to support you, learn to anchor yourself.
Seeking approval is a pointless and never-satisfying process. Furthermore, if you don’t think you’re important, no amount of recognition can persuade you otherwise. Instead of defining yourself by how other people treat you, self-validation will compel you to define who you are. Your perception of yourself is a major component of your feeling of self-worth.
6. Be Authentic
Have you abandoned who you are to deal with your relationship abandonment issues? In relationships, do you hold back or lie about yourself? People who are abandoned may not develop their uniqueness because they fall for the delusion that they are unworthy. They thus take on false identities, and their identity becomes ambiguous.
They often modify themselves to satisfy the needs of others around them. Because they believe their differences may jeopardize the security of the relationship, people who suffer from the fear of abandonment are hesitant to be genuine in their relationships. For attention and acceptance, they are prepared to forfeit who they are.
To attain “sameness,” they strive for a diluted, digestible version of themselves rather than establishing their individuality in Christ. To avoid creating a stir, they placate their spouse. They think a single mispronunciation or error may terminate the relationship.
People-pleasing leads to a lifetime of being cautious and tolerant of inappropriate conduct. Don’t let your identity be compromised. Giving up is a poisonous preservation tactic. When two individuals with diverse backgrounds come together, resilient connections are formed. In intimate partnerships, maintain your sense of self. Clearly state who you are. Commit to respecting yourself enough to avoid selling out.
7. Include Your Trauma In
Integrating your trauma is one of the vital tips to deal with abandonment issues. Simply said, emotional integration is the process of examining some of the most upsetting things that have ever occurred to you and asking yourself, “You know what? They strengthened me. What do you know? They were short-lived. And what do you know?
They are a part of me, but they are not who I am. I went through that, but it doesn’t define who I am. The finest methods for integrating emotions, in my opinion, are writing and introspection. You might also attempt to feel any feelings that aren’t readily articulated by meditating on some of the most agonizing experiences you’ve had.
Writing an attachment narrative—the account of the connections that shaped your current perspective on relationships—is another strategy. Writing letters is the last method of practicing emotional integration. I ask my clients to write letters of forgiveness as part of the coaching curriculum.
They wrote a letter to themselves in the second and another to someone who had wronged them in the first. Even if they don’t send these letters, it allows them to release long-suppressed feelings and alter their viewpoint on significant occasions that continue to affect them to this day. You can read our other relationship articles here.
Fear of Abandonment Can Cause Unsatisfying Relationships
Having one or perhaps several relationships that ultimately end badly validates a fear of abandonment, which is one of the most agonizing aspects of that anxiety. We are more inclined to anticipate rejection and abandonment in our future relationships the more we feel the familiar pain of it. You will thus be much less likely to approach your new connections with a sense of warmth, comfort, and security.
Instead, you will unavoidably come off as aloof, judgmental, or even heartless, which will draw the precise type of connection you are looking for. After every relationship, make every effort to reflect on what transpired and look for opportunities to grow, learn, and move forward on your path to recovery. Not everyone will cheat on you, leave, or desert you.
Recognizing that you can decide who you allow to have access to you in the future and that you are thus in a position to influence whether or not your future relationships will be in line with your needs and desires is a necessary part of regaining your power. It also entails realizing that you are a fully grown adult with the ability to make wise, therapeutic decisions and that you are no longer a helpless kid.
FAQ
Q: Without experiencing abandonment, is it possible to have abandonment issues?
A: It’s critical to recognize that emotional inconsistency and emotional desertion may both contribute to the hurt of abandonment. This wound may appear if you were emotionally or emotionally abandoned but not physically abandoned.
Q: How does abandonment dread arise?
A: An ingrained dread of being alone and difficulty forming wholesome relationships are the results of early childhood events, especially attachment trauma with caregivers, which may give rise to fear of abandonment.
Q: How can one sit when feeling abandoned?
A: When someone rejects or abandons you, it might be easy to repress your feelings. However, suppressing them may end up doing more damage than good. Try to accept your feelings completely and stop criticizing yourself for experiencing them.
