Your spouse has been getting closer to you, and then all of a sudden they start acting in ways that appear designed to drive you away. It hurts and confuses you to be this far away. The relationship seemed to be going well, then all of a sudden it isn’t. Alternatively, maybe it’s you who drives them away. When a relationship becomes serious, you start to draw back or shut off, and when friends and other loved ones bring up topics you’d rather not discuss, you start to distance yourself. If these sound similar, there are ways to stop pushing people.
If you find yourself slipping into this pattern again and again, you may be concerned that you will never be able to develop the connection you want. Though it’s possible for attachment avoidance and anxiety to negatively impact your relationship’s quality and your feelings about it, don’t give up. It’s open to modification. You may develop the ability to allow people in if you put in enough effort.
Tips For Stopping Pushing People Away
1. Practice Self-Reflection And Awareness
Following ways to stop pushing people requires introspection and awareness. Pushing others away is often an unconscious protective strategy used to keep oneself out of uncomfortable circumstances. We are unaware of these systems while they are operating at peak efficiency. But we have issues when they break down.
According to our current knowledge of psychological defense mechanisms, we can better control troublesome actions if we can identify the reasons for our defensive systems. Keeping a daily record of your emotions may make it easier for you to identify trends and triggers.
From there, you may begin substituting healthy behaviors for the problematic ones. Although allowing people into your life is a lengthy process, there are things you can do to help it go more smoothly. Start small. Rather than leaving a friend’s Instagram direct message unread, reply with a brief note the next time you get one. You may regain your ability to trust others in this manner.
2. Connect With More People
Naturally, some individuals are more gregarious than others. You may be more than content to confide in a limited group of close pals, which undoubtedly saves money around the holidays. However, those who are more outgoing may see it as an issue that has to be solved.
Do it for yourself if you’re going to consciously try to alter your conduct and become more approachable. You may want to look into ways to make amends if you find yourself becoming estranged from significant others in your life, such as close friends or lovers.
Therefore, if being a social butterfly is just not who you are, don’t feel pressured to adopt that persona. Maintaining more connections than you can handle puts you in danger of unneeded stress. If you believe that something has to be fixed, you can consider making gradual, constructive progress.
3. Talk About It
Effective communication is essential to a healthy relationship and an answer to how to stop pushing people. You should discuss daily living and your overall sentiments about the partnership, as well as your opinions on any problems that may arise. It may be a little frightening to discuss an intimacy-avoiding behavior with your spouse, but doing so may greatly advance your relationship.
You can consider providing a few specifics about your prior experiences with your spouse to assist them in understanding why you find intimacy difficult. You may say, for instance, “I thought I would spend the rest of my life with my ex, but they cheated.”
Sometimes, I feel compelled to destroy relationships to avoid being wounded again because I’m afraid of being betrayed again. I’m trying to speak to others about my worries and resist the want to turn away from them when I start to feel afraid. Inform them if anything in particular bothers you: “I’m not ready to talk about plans just yet, but growing closer makes me happy.”
4. Realize Building Quality Connections Doesn’t Happen Overnight
There’s a tendency to hurry things if you really want to connect with more people. This is especially true if you’re nostalgic for a time when you were more extroverted by nature. It’s not always the most sustainable approach, however. According to studies, showing someone a lot of love early on in a relationship—a practice known as “love bombing”—isn’t a good idea.
It suggests a certain level of social anxiety as well as poor self-esteem. Instead, go cautiously. Allow yourself and the other person some breathing room. Try to pay attention to what’s going on in the relationship right now rather than your plans or aspirations for it.
5. Try To Strike A Balance
Overcompensating by being too attached or open, rather than honoring your partner’s limits. You may improve your chances of having a successful relationship by aiming for balance as one of the ways to stop pushing people. Potential meanings of balance include:
- It’s better to organically share old experiences than to instantly reveal your whole life narrative.
- Acknowledging their existence and showing interest without being nosy or insisting on knowing every detail.
- Asking your spouse about their feelings is just as important as discussing your sentiments with them.
It is interdependence that you want. That implies that you form a relationship and cooperate to help one another without being dependent on one another. Even if you live together, you are still unique individuals. Striking a balance might also include learning to tolerate typical disagreement. If you’re afraid of rejection, you may be on the lookout for any hint that your partner isn’t interested in the relationship.
However, arguments arise sometimes, even in intimate partnerships. You probably already know from personal experience that being upset with a loved one does not indicate that you want them to go from your life. Avoiding disagreement by pushing your spouse away won’t help your relationship — but learning to negotiate conflict in more beneficial ways can.
6. Be Honest
A good relationship is indicated by effective and honest communication. In addition, it may be unsettling if you have developed a communication avoidance habit. If you’re doing this because of prior trauma, it might seem like a big step to open up. But do not worry. Like the last phase, it’s preferable to go slowly and steadily.
Consider carefully how much transparency is necessary to keep a relationship going. You may not immediately need to share your entire story and every reason why you struggle with intimacy. If the other person wasn’t expecting it, they can become overwhelmed.
Vary the number of details you provide throughout each exchange. People will have more time to consider why you are feeling the way you are. Additionally, it allows you to comprehend their response without feeling too exposed.
These important talks might be intimidating at first, but chances are they will get less difficult with time. Research indicates that open communication may indicate a good relationship rather than serve as its cornerstone.
Do you recall your first bike ride? How did you have to consider each step, such as keeping your balance and making hand signals? Now that you know where you’re headed, riding a bike comes naturally to you. Consider communication as a means to an aim rather than as a goal in itself, even though it’s not always simple.
7. Respect Boundaries
Remember that it takes time to overcome intimacy concerns and know how to stop pushing people, even if you’ve decided to do so. Respect your limits and those of others. Refrain from overexposing yourself to too many people at once. You need room to analyze exchanges and identify any beneficial trends that may be developing. It’s difficult to do when you’re renewing relationships with several individuals.
In the same way, don’t hold other people to unreasonable standards. The goal you have in mind is not a one-way path. You may feel that too much is expected of you or that you are asking too much of those who are close to you, depending on the circumstances behind your first pushback.
Instead, make an effort to form a just alliance. Be curious about someone else’s day without becoming too personal. Be attentive to their feelings and express your own at the same time. You can take your time and develop an understanding of what’s suitable since you’re not doing this with too many people at once.
Because of the way we’ve developed, a major determinant in why we choose friends and lovers is dependency. If someone has taken advantage of your efforts in the past, you may be reluctant to become close to them. Establishing boundaries and a healthy sense of give and take again may go a long way toward fostering trust in other people. It is one of the best ways to stop pushing people away.
8. Substitute Empathy For Guilt
You could push that person (and others) away as a reaction to your remorse if you have injured someone you care about. To combat this, acknowledge the moments when you hurt or betrayed a loved one and then make an effort to ignore them. Then enter that other person’s experience and leave you behind. Look for reasons why they could have suffered harm.
Consider, for instance, what that individual endured and how they felt about the circumstances. If you experienced the same scenario, how would you feel?
After making an effort to empathize with the other person, you may try apologizing and making up for any mistakes you may have made. But to connect with the other person’s perspective rather than shutting them out, empathy is required.
9. Talk To A Therapist
Are you having problems figuring out why you’re avoiding intimacy? Are you having trouble breaking the habit of pushing loved ones away when you genuinely desire a closer, more intimate relationship? There are several advantages to receiving professional mental health care.
Of course, you might make some progress solving these problems on your own. However, you could find it challenging to deal with these challenges while attempting to manage underlying causes like relationship anxiety, attachment disorders, or mental health symptoms.
Counselors are well-versed in assisting individuals with avoidance and other intimacy-related concerns. It’s OK to need a bit more assistance when figuring out possible reasons or practicing closeness.
Why We Push People Away
In relationships, both platonic and romantic, it’s not uncommon to encounter moments where we inadvertently push others away and later try to find ways to stop pushing people. This behavior often stems from deep-seated fears, past experiences, and even self-protection mechanisms.
Fear of Vulnerability: At the core of many interpersonal dynamics is the fear of vulnerability. Opening up to someone requires trust, and for many, this can be daunting. The fear of rejection or betrayal leads individuals to erect emotional barriers, keeping others at a distance. This protective instinct, while understandable, can result in isolation and loneliness.
Past Trauma: Previous negative experiences significantly shape our current behavior. If someone has faced betrayal or abandonment in past relationships, they may subconsciously replicate those scenarios by pushing others away. This cycle can become a defense mechanism, as distancing oneself feels safer than risking another hurt.
Low Self-Esteem: Individuals with low self-esteem often feel unworthy of love and connection. They might believe that their flaws or past mistakes render them undeserving of meaningful relationships. Consequently, they push people away to confirm their negative self-perceptions, preemptively ending relationships before they can be hurt or rejected.
Overwhelming and Stress: Life’s pressures can also contribute to pushing people away. When overwhelmed, some may withdraw as a means of coping. The instinct to isolate can be a misguided attempt to regain control, but it often leaves the individual feeling more isolated and misunderstood.
Miscommunication: Sometimes, the act of pushing others away stems from miscommunication or differing expectations. When individuals feel misunderstood or unappreciated, they may choose to retreat rather than express their feelings, leading to a cycle of distance.
FAQ
Q: Why am I pushing everyone away?
A: When we begin to distance ourselves from people we love, there’s usually a good reason for it: mental health crises, breakups, or trauma weaken our sense of self-worth. We steer clear of the danger of emotionally engaging with others because we fear rejection.
Q: Why do I push people away when I feel hurt?
A: In an attempt to keep oneself safe from harm, the person pushing may develop a defensive mechanism, yet doing so often results in harm to others. Another reason why some people can push others away is low self-esteem.
Q: Is pushing everyone away a good idea?
A: While pushing others away out of fear of being hurt is typical, it is not a sustainable approach to healthy relationships. You may practice leaning toward people instead of avoiding intimacy by exploring the causes of your avoidance with the assistance of a therapist.
